Children Stories That We Hate (a rant)

Our book club kinda devolved into a open bar/buffet/bitchnmoan session, but we do still discuss books. Our last meeting got onto books we hate to read out loud. We’re all elementary school teachers, so we have to do this on a regular basis. We all teach different grades, so the list is a little varied. Charlotte’s Web is hard to read without crying. A Taste of Blackberries. Bridge to Terabithia. That sort of thing. Everybody had some they really dreaded coming around in the curriculum.

I deal with shorter children, so I read shorter stories. But everyone agreed that these were depressing and terrible to read to a class. These are my three.

The Giving Tree: OMG. I’ve heard a lot of different arguments about it. Some say the kid is thoughtless and selfish. Some say it’s a parable about unconditional love. Some say the tree is the boy’s by right of being made in God’s own image and would be useless if he didn’t make something out of it. Some say it’s just a tree and feels nothing for the boy or its own dismantling. I don’t care. I just hate the story. I think this should’ve happened on page 2 and saved me a lot of time.

The Rainbow Fish: What is the message here? If you want to be popular allow those who would shun you otherwise to tear the parts of you they envy from your flesh? That being special and unique means nothing if you don’t cater to the wishes of everyone around you? That your own happiness means so little that you are expected to mutilate yourself and call it ‘sharing’. Nothing says ‘good friend’ like letting someone who resents you pull a piece of your body off so they can pretend they are you! Buffalo Bill in a children’s book!

I’ll Love You Forever: Is this supposed to be heartwarming? It’s not. It starts out ok. Mom loves baby no matter how bratty. But she doesn’t seem to notice that baby grows up. Her obsession reaches the point where, in his adult years, she breaks into his house to hold and fondle him in his sleep. Two things I thought, even as a kid? #1. How does he sleep through this? I’m partially deaf and a heavy sleeper and I still wake up when the cat walks across my head. And #2. There’s a reason there’s no wife to also be awoken by Psycho-Obsesso Mom and her ladder. One encounter with that for a potential mother-in-law and a husband who has been conditioned to some bizarre midnight Mommy ritual and any girl with good sense and someone to call for a ride will be outta there.

Wow. I needed that. Apologies to everyone who actually likes these books, but I meant every word and writing them was therapeutic. Ahhh. Now I can sleep.